Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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