I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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