Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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