Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
