i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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