I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
