Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Still dying that you shit outside
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
