The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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