My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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