Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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