Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
