i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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