I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
