How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
