I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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