I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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