A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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