Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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