I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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