I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
