He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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