im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
