oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
