We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
