Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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