I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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