Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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