my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
