I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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