my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize