When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
