Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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