I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
