I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
