She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
