I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Tornado booty call.. dedication
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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