please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
