WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
