My friends, they love my intelligence
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
