I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
