Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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