rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
God, I missed his penis.
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