my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
