Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
