Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
