if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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