Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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