I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
