And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
