Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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