I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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