I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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