I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
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I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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