Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
no you cant smoke seaweed
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
