I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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