He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
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you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
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I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.