Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
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You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
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WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic